All the people that I knew would flock to me, but I didn't flock to them. I never understood that and I don't understand it now.
I can now describe what I felt as a child and I can describe what I feel now as an adult.
I cut myself away from people for the fear that they may read into my thoughts or what is written so plainly on my face. I can no longer hide the hurts that crush me as wave or to hide the loneliness that sometimes feel that consuming power that it has over me.
So many times I have ask God why am I here? Why does the pain hurt so bad?
I have had to admit so many things to myself. One of those things is how I still love my husband, but I don't miss the crazy things that brought a web between us. I also do miss other things about him. He understood me and I thought that I fit with him. I will never understand why he left me. It maybe as simple as he didn't want me. I know he knows that I still love him. I don't think that would ever change.
I don't see myself ever marrying another man, I don't see myself getting close to any other man for the remainder of my life. I just want peace and quiet. I want away from the tongue lashing that I get from my son or the look at me that I am in the way. I don't think that I can ever explain how I feel about so many things going on in my life.
Father God
I've tried so hard to move forward in my life. I am not
where I use to be with the sadness, the depression, and the
emotional ups and downs, but I am not where I want to be with being happy
enjoying what I want and who I am. Happy in being pleased
with just me.
enjoying what I want and who I am. Happy in being pleased
with just me.
I pray Dear God that You stay in control of all things; in Jesus Mighty name:
Amen!
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