RANDOM THOUGHTS FROM MY HEART . . . .

For many years, I've lived my life taking care of everyone else, making sure that they are happy, and spent enormous time showing them that I loved them.  I am glad that I was able to do that then and now. 

It's important to me now to show myself all those things now. I've ignored me for so long , that it took a long time to get me back.

I stopped the smoking thing, but won't lie, at times I miss having a cigarette, shopping for new clothing because of the weight gain. I am loving the shopping and the new look with hair and all.  My skin looks wonderful and having extra money feel so great!  Thank You Lord!

I am still getting to know me, so I am not looking for a relationship. 

Life is so very beautiful when you put God first.

The hardest thing for me was starting a new life after a separation from a spouse, but my journey to get where I am now was a struggle, but the Lord carried me through the rough mountains, high hills, and high waters. Thank you Lord for keeping me from drowning, boosting me up the mountains when climbing them, and walking over the high hills. You made this journey a distance memory for me, but remembering the most important part. Man will leave me .   .   . but God has never left me nor forsaken me.

Thank You Lord God

AMEN!

FLEETING WANT . . .

I saw this picture today and thought of a person from years ago. I wanted him, but I never told him. and in conversation today he said that he felt the same way, but my head was in other places.

I've known him all my life. Much older than I, but was always there to tell my deepest thoughts of hurts and love from someone else. He always made me feel better about myself and I can truly say that he never tried to take advantage of me. We've kept in touch. we are going to get together later this year on an up and coming holiday. I look forward to it.

funniest thing is that I am not looking for anything. Just a friendship, just the closeness that we often shared. And yes, I do love you in that special way take care of yourself because I am looking forward to seeing you.

Thank You Lord for true friends

Amen!

"BEHOLD. . ALL THINGS ARE BECOME NEW ! 2 Corinthians 5:17

So many things has happen since my last entry. I am a Grandmother of a beautiful little girl, I've acquired an apartment and moving soon to start living my life without the unnecessary drama.

To me, "unnecessary drama" means dealing with just me in my own space, time, and need. No outside drama.

I've also had to keep admitting to myself that I miss so many things about being with my husband, but I do not miss the drugs, lying, and squandering of money on drugs. I don't miss the look in his eyes when the high is over and the shame and hurt overcomes him and I endure the  backlash of his mistakes. Mostly, I don't miss the enabling that I did without knowing that I was doing that.

Through the Grace of God, I am finally finding my place within myself and this world. I don't know what is out there, but I count on the Good Lord to lead me through and I thank Him for believing in me when I didn't believe in me, for pulling me from the deepness of my despair. The darkness that can surround you can be so over whelming and for those who say that they have never been there lies. Everyone's despair is different than the anthers.

Lord I ask you to continue to weed out those so call friends that uses people all in Your Name Dear Lord. Keep me in the safest place within You.

God I thank You for You being You, Loving me in spite of and always being there for me.

In  The Mighty Name Of God,

Amen!

HUMBLENESS . . . . .

Humbleness, a word that sometimes get twisted in even the strongest of Christian Faith. Twisted maybe a pretty strong word, so I will use misunderstood.

My journey in the last few years or more has been hard. I wondered a lot that if I had did this, would I have saved myself so much heart ache. I think that I have beat myself up so much with that and realized that God has a way of giving a person the true meaning of humbleness. He has been giving me the lesson of humbleness.

As I have moved forward in my journey, I have still looked back and still shuddered with tears of how hard this journey has been for me and although I look forward to the new life that God is blessing  me with, but I do fear  the unknown. 

Although I am not yet divorced, I don't see myself in another relationship, especially marriage.  I want to be lead by God in where He wants me to be. Not doing that has caused me a lot of heartache. 

Lord God I thank you for strengthening me through this journey. There were time and even now I felt broken, lost , and trapped within myself.  Whatever you have for me, I do realize that it is for me. I thank You for all open doors that lead to where you want me to be.  I thank You for holding me together when I wanted nothing but end the life that hurt and haunted me so badly.

Strength is what I needed and strength is what you gave to me and I thank you Father God.

In Jesus Precious Name

Amen!

NOT FITTING IN . . . . .

Every since I was a little girl, I've realized one particular thing about myself. I don't fit in anywhere or with anyone.

 All the people that I knew would flock to me, but I didn't  flock to them. I never understood that and I don't understand it now. 

I can now describe what I felt as a child and I can describe what I feel now as an adult. 

I cut myself away from people for the fear that they may read into my thoughts or what is written so plainly on my face. I can no longer hide the  hurts that crush me as wave or to hide the loneliness that sometimes feel that consuming power that it has over me. 

So many times I have ask God why am I here? Why does the pain hurt so bad? 

I have had to admit so many things to myself. One of those things is how I still love my husband, but I don't  miss the crazy things that brought a web between us.  I  also do miss other things about him. He understood me and I thought that  I fit with him. I will never understand why he left me. It maybe as simple as he didn't want me. I know he knows that I still love him. I don't think that would ever change. 

I don't see myself ever marrying another man, I don't see myself getting close to  any other man for the remainder of my life. I just want peace and quiet. I want away from the tongue lashing that I get from my son or the look at me that I am in the way. I don't think that I can ever explain how I feel about so many things going on in my life.

Father God

I've tried so hard to move forward in my life. I am not 

where I use to be with the sadness, the depression, and the

emotional ups and downs, but I am not where I want to be with being happy
enjoying what I want and who I am. Happy in being pleased
with just me.
 

                                                                                                                                           

I pray Dear God that You stay in control of all things; in Jesus Mighty name:

Amen!